Not a testimony. Not today.

We reach a certain age and the things that were once important to us no longer carry weight. Things that wouldn’t normally bother us do. You become comfortable in the skin that you’re in. The person that you’ve become. Who you are becoming. We are constantly evolving and I think it’s important to recognize and celebrate every stage of the evolution when you understand that it’s happening and you’ve made progress. It’s hard work! Dirty work! Necessary work. Sleepless nights, crying to the lord why?! How?! What do you want for me? From me? You keep pushing forward because where you are is better than where you were and while you’re no where near where you think you should be you witness those prayers being answered. The questions you’ve asked have revealed themselves to be points of reflection, next steps where you discover what God wants from you. For you. These are the spaces where what used to be important, those ideals and ideas you were to determined to live become fucking worthless. It is a release. It is freedom.

In my grandmothers kitchen the little clock radio was always on. Heaven 600. A static filled station playing the good gospel. “And that was the Mighty Clouds of Joy, up next a little sunshine from The Clark Sisters.” Background sounds in my formative years that have found me on a Saturday morning as I ready myself for my day. I found myself listening to gospel, not necessarily on purpose. DNice was live on IG, when I tuned in he was playing house music. The next song was a total switch. Yolonda Adams “Open My Heart”. Then Kirk Franklin “Silver & Gold”, Marvin Sapp “The Best in Me” Donnie McClurkin “We Fall Down”. It was a whole gospel groove this Saturday morning. Unexpected. But that’s how he works right? Unexpectedly. Right on time!

I am building a thing. I have jumped off of a path that was important to me. For 10 years I’ve tried, with no success, to be a historian in the traditional sense. Only to have doors closed in my face. To apply and get an immediate response that the position has been filled. To get the volunteer position and have it snatched away before I could start. To have emails fall into oblivion when trying to find out “How I can…?” I could not.

I was not supposed to. I once was lost but now I’m found I see. Child, this pandemic has been both blessing and irritant, but overall, it has allowed me to see God move in my life. When a lot of people are seeing darkness all around them, I feel the sunshine. It lights up everything I am supposed to touch. It’s lighting this new path that I am on now.

I witnessed myself enjoying the good gospel music that was being played. It resonated. It was in that space that the joy and peace that I have been experiencing became apparent. It was in that space that a prayer whispered was answered immediately. The next song “Won’t he do it? He said he will.”

I am not interested in finding the words to share this part of my testimony. I hold it for a little longer because it belongs to me and my God. I want to savor it. Enjoy the awe of his grace for me in this moment.

So, from the kitchen at 1646 N. Bentalou St. on a Saturday morning, The Clark Sisters singing You Brought The Sunshine…

“You made my day.

You came my way.

You heard me every every time I pray.

You give me peace, you gave me grace.

You put a smile on my face.

You brought the sunshine….

you threw out the lifeline…”

Can I get a witness?

Have a grand day.